


I can't begin to let you know just what I'm feeling

by frnkuloid



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M, ftm!frank, transboy!frank
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-11
Updated: 2015-07-05
Packaged: 2018-03-30 03:13:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3920824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frnkuloid/pseuds/frnkuloid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>New school, new name, new life. As self conscious as he was, not yet where he wants to be but passing just enough for everyone to just assume he's androgynous, he's comfortable. He also hates the word androgynous because that’s not what he is, he shrugs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Seen You In Physics Class, Right?

New school, new name, new life. As self conscious as he was, not yet where he wants to be but passing just enough for everyone to just assume he's androgynous, he's comfortable. He also hates the word androgynous because that’s not what he is, he shrugs. Stepping into his new jeans, sock pinned inside his new briefs because, "I-sweetie we.....we don't have the money...." shaking off the controversy of asking for the packer in the first place with a nervous smile and a nod. He was going to ask to earn it, but he's a little more comfortable with his current situation anyway, it's homely. If that makes even the slightest bit of sense. He's ready for the first day at his new school and for everyone to know him solely as who he is.

Head down, no talking, sit alone in the back row and keep up with the pace of swarming hormonal crowd around you. When the bell rings and it calls for lunch he didn't realize he was sitting at someone else's table but they don't seem to mind much, either.

 

"Who are you?" hair bizarre and everywhere, looking slightly confused but generally friendly.

"Oh that's Frank, he's new, he's in my physics class in 3rd period I think, right Frank?" Frank ponders, that must be Mikey, he sits a table down in the back of the room too, alone. Tall, lanky, greasy slicked forward hair and a crooked smile that’s totally infectious. 

"Uhh, yeah, I'm Frank, nice to meet you?" not quite sure why he's questioning it but no one takes offense, first days are hard, especially when no one knows you, thank god no one knows me, Frank thinks.

When the last two boys make it to the table they eye at Frank, Mikey waving them off and Frank's heart rate increasing by the second. The last friends he had left him when he bought the binder, they thought it was, "just a gay thing" but here he is now, scared for his life and looking for an edge to hang on to. Anxiety man, what the hell is up with it?!

 

Mikey sits closer, looking Frank up and down, then to the boy who questioned Frank's very existence just minutes earlier, "He looks your type honestly, Gerard. Is that a Rocky Horror shirt, Frank? Yeah def. Gerard's type." he smiles at the older boy sitting across the table, smiling down at what looks cookies but could very well be rat poison biscuits. Frank tries not to blush because of course this is a Rocky Horror shirt and of course Frank as well as Gerard of all people would look up to Dr. Frank N Furter as if he were a god. (He is a god)

 

Frank barely talks, but when he does it's to who he now knows as Gerard. It's too bad they're not in any of the same classes, he really wants to befriend him, maybe talk music or movies, hell maybe talk art. Those hands are definitely artist hands. 

When the final bell rings he's practically tackled by the ever-so-scrawny Mikey, sending him forward about 3 feet laughing until his head hurts and Mikey blurts out, "Dude, do you wanna come over and have a movie marathon? Gerard found $30 and is totally renting horror movies out the ass for all of us!" Mikey's face is flushed, for whatever reason, probably running full speed down a long hall without falling on his face. Frank can't help but blurt out a too-loud-for-indoors yes, asking to borrow Mikey's phone to make sure it's okay with his mom.

\--------

 

It takes until right before he falls asleep on Mikey's smells-like-unwashed-boy bed to remember that he's binding, and it hurts. All bliss from a night of horror movies and cheap soda finds it's way out of him through tired eyes and almost tears because the clippy bits on the left side of his ribcage start to bruise.

 

"Fuck," he growls to himself, he was going to say something else but then he realized that Gerard is still awake and drawing what looks to be a horror-esque landscape covered in vampire bats and a full moon, incredibly cool.

 

"You okay? Need anything?" Gerard's voice is tired but very concerned as he looks over his shoulder to a slouched over Frank, digging at his ribs and hoping Gerard doesn't catch on.

 

"Yeah, it's cool, where's your bathroom?" Frank almost whispers the last part before Gerard points at the door and says something like, "two doors to the left, there should be a light on in there right by the sink, just look for the toilet if you get lost." and laughs to himself, he thinks he's hilarious Frank bets.

 

"T-thanks..." 

 

Frank feels his way around for the main light and panics silently in the bathroom for what probably lasts 15 minutes. He takes his shirt off throwing it somewhere in the corner and lifts his binder to see the red indents on his left side, hissing as the cold air touches them but relaxing into it. Maybe if it's just one night it won't matter, then he hears foot steps outside the door. He splashes some water on his face, breathes and lets out a very panicked sob, anticipating the "you alright in there, dude?" or something similar. Totally forgetting he doesn't have his shirt on, totally forgetting everything on his mind and just breathing, or sobbing out breath, as he waits.

"Hey dude, if you need to like... go home or something, I can drive you, I won't tell the guys..." Gerard waits, he gets the same way at other people's houses, he can't sleep in them because they aren't home, ya know? He waits, hears tiny broken sobs and starts to say, "is it okay if I come in? I get panic attacks when I go to friends houses ya know... I understand..."

Frank almost yells no before the door handle is turning, he grabs it, "I-I'm fine I'll be out in a second just... give me a second..." He finds his shirt, throws it on, double, hell triple checks to see if he looks flat enough, if his sock is still pinned where it needs to be, and walks out hands shaking at his sides, smiling at the shadowed face in front of him. "I'm fine," he breathes out, "I think I forgot where I was..."

Gerard smiles back at him and brings him into the living room instead of the room with a heap of boys snoring on the bed while the last minutes of whatever horror movie they have playing cycles through. 

When Frank is guided to the couch, given a drink, and finally looks up from his socked feet on the shaggy carpet below, Gerard is looking at him, checking up on him.

 

"You sure you're okay? You seemed pretty upset in there, what happened?" Gerard is just above a whisper, flicking on the TV for calming background noise, late night cartoons are always nice.

"Yeah... yeah, this is just really new for me is all, all of my... friends... before I moved here kind of left me after some... stuff happened so I'm not used to, I guess, the kindness? Understanding?" Frank has no idea why he just spilled himself to Gerard but Gerard looks so genuinely at him, like he understands.

 

"I-I dunno if it'll help you any but I don't really have friends, I've got Ray of course, he's my bud but other than him no one else comes around. Mikey is my little brother and best friend. We've never moved schools and I've never gotten along with anyone else." Gerard laughs, Frank can't tell if he's trying to shrug it off as nothing or if it hurts to admit but Frank smiles back at him.

"Well," Frank laughs at himself as he says it, "we can be outcasts together, a dynamic duo," he raises his head high, like a hero, "fighting crime and saving lives... or like... watching movies and hanging out together... if you want?" Frank's confidence pleats suddenly and he hangs his head low, sending a look Gerard's way that practically screams, "I want to be your friend but I'm pretty sure I'm annoying you.", without skipping a beat Gerard grins at the smaller boy and scoots closer without saying another word, they watch cartoons until they fall asleep together. Thank god they fell asleep sitting up, it's much less painful when Frank wakes up.

 

Mikey is the one to wake them up with sudden laughter and the, "Oh GOSH how cute is THIS." just loud enough for everyone in the United States Of America to hear him. Gerard coughs a bit, jostling Frank from his sleepy cuddle around the bigger boy's waist and blushes when he realized what he's done, or had been doing. Mikey laughs it off, as does Ray when told all about it later when he finally wakes up and demands breakfast.

Frank stays silent most of the day, only socialized in the don’t-speak-unless-spoken-to way of life but Gerard brings him out of his shell. Asking those weird questions only friends ask, like, "Ever worn make up and actually liked it?" Frank practically falls off the couch and Gerard reassures him that he actually loves make up and how horrible the gender binary is to everyone, fucking stereotypes ya know? 

 

When Ray finally asks that question that no one really wants to answer but everyone wants to ask, things get a little awkward but of course Gerard is first to pursue it, head-on and confident, "I'm bi, I think, like I really admire girls, but I also would totally fu--" Mikey starts yelling "la-la-la"'s so loud no one can hear the rest of Gerard's ever-so-confident display of homo-fluidity, but everyone directly points their attention at the boy in the corner who hasn't spoken but 3 words tonight.

 

"What about you Frank?" Ray smiles slyly at him, he knows what he's doing.

"Oh, uh, well, I dunno, I like..." why am I blushing, Frank thinks.

"Come on, dude, no one's gonna judge ya I mean look at Gerard, do we really look like a judgmental group?" Mikey laughs at Gerard as the older boy flips him one, blushing slightly, totally infuriated obviously.

"I like boys mostly, I think, but I think sexuality is a lot more complex than that?" Frank scrunches his face up and folds his arms around his knees, resting his head there and looking at Ray's massive bed-head fro.

Gerard agrees, almost triumphantly and no one else answers the question, rude, Frank thinks to himself. They end up watching more horror movies but Frank is paying more attention to Ray and Gerard talking while Gerard draws. Ray spouts off ideas and Gerard puts them on paper, he has no idea what this colorful splash of blood and human organs is supposed to be but honestly, he really likes how Gerard brings everything to life. Gerard smiles as Ray says "everyone needs a fro in this picture, all of them.", he complies easily and everyone has brightly colored fros of varying sizes and colors.

And then Frank notices that one character in this weird grotesque art Gerard has brought into this world, has stitching right under the pecks. He kind of smiles, trying to get a better look to see if that is in fact what that is, and he looks at Gerard.

 

"So," he points to the scaring on said character, almost blushing because wow he identifies with this, "are these scars from... ya know... like brea-- uhm... chest reconstruction?" Gerard looks up at the curious boy over his shoulder and smiles.

"Yeah, they're top surgery scars. I'm working on this comic--" Gerard trails on as Frank brushes his finger across the scars on the drawing, mouth slightly slack, eyes glazed over, he can't really listen because he's so amazed by Gerard's knowledge of this stuff. His parents didn't know about anything like this, even though he...ya know, existed. Not that they were to say-- unaccepting of him and his identity, more so that they tried to ignore it and they didn't understand any of it. They were just there for the ride. Gerard can see Frank is totally in awe over these scars and not taking in anything around him so Gerard waits for him to come back to reality. When Frank finally does snap back he looks at Gerard and smiles.

Maybe making friends... putting trust into people you don't quite know... maybe it'll work out. Maybe this will work out.


	2. I'm A Little In The Dark About All This Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank trails off because his stomach starts to hurt in an all too familiar way. Fuck. Frank looks up at Gerard again, forcing a smile and looking down worriedly, "Actually... I-I feel kind of sick..."

Sunday's never bothered Frank as much as they did others, he kind of anticipated them. He did however miss being at the Way's place, it felt more like home than his own bed now that him and Gerard have gotten closer. Hell, now that him and everyone there has gotten closer. He even met Mrs. Way, she's incredibly radiant and he's sure he could get lost in her personality.

When Frank finally got home his mother was waiting for him, checking over him carefully to make sure he was okay. She might not have understood a single thing he ever said to her but she cared and that's more than he could ask for. She cared maybe a little too much in the wrong ways and she slipped up on the son/daughter thing but she still cared, so even if it hurt Frank, he took it kindly, corrected it, and moved on. She was... getting there. 

 

Taking himself to his room, the upstairs was practically all his, rarely seeing his parents appear in the overly-lit hallway. First things first, binder off. As much as he had a great time not sleeping because of this damned thing, it's time to get it off and relax. Baggy shirt, pj pants, headphones, don't let that feeling get to you and definitely don't look in the mirror.

It wasn't long after he got home that Mikey was calling his house, asking if he was up for next weekend and officially seating him at their obviously prestigious invite-only lunch table. Frank's never been so excited to go to school, more so, never been so excited to actually see his friends. Excited until he sees the marks on his ribs that aren't going away after the much needed shower and the hours without his binder on. He must be growing, he needs a new binder but fuck if he can afford one, it took him two years of begging and pleading to get this one. Sitting on the edge of his bed, hair wet, water dripping down his neck, head in his hands, he thinks to himself if maybe he's faking all this. What if he is just confused? What if it is just a weird teenage phase... dysphoria settling in his vulnerable chest, he falls asleep trying not to think at all because thinking only leads to doubt.

He wakes up early, showers again because hell, he has time to. Packing his lunch, getting dressed, and trying to fit into his tight binder the best he can without hurting himself, or being too uncomfortable. Stepping outside into the cool, fresh air, almost basking in it until he remembers he needs to actually walk to school.

Before he even gets through the doors Mikey comes barreling at him, full speed, "FRANKS" he hears a new nickname yelled across campus before he turns around and has a face full of greasy hair and glasses. "So, I was thinking, maybe you wanna hang out after school? Gerard has mom's car and--" cut off, Frank nods before Mikey even begins to explain their plans. Mind practically racing (actually racing) because spending any time in range of the Way's makes him so happy it kind of hurts his chest and hands. He grins at the taller boy and walks into first period with him, replacing dysphoria with curiosity. He wonders if any of them know, if they know a friend of a friend who used to know Frank. Those thoughts pass when boredom settles in. 

Time has never moved so slow, Frank exaggerates, straightening his posture just to push himself back into the tiny chair this hell-house provided for their almost adult students. Finally, the bell for lunch rings and he practically runs for the door when Mrs. Grace tells him to slow down and that the food here isn't that good. He's pretty much silent until Gerard shows up and asks if he's going with Mikey and himself back to their place. Frank laughs to himself and nods, looking back down at his now empty lunch bag before Gerard asks if he wants to stay there tonight because there's no school Tuesday. Frank makes an odd noise between extreme excitement and utmost confusion, nesting into his seat, looking at Gerard through his bangs that he is now so thankful for.

"You don't have to stay over I can always take you home if, ya know..." Gerard implies the event that happened just 2 days ago when Frank freaked out in the bathroom, to which Gerard still has not quite the grasp on why that happened. Nerves, he's pinned it on nerves.

Trying to reassure Gerard that he does want to come, and it's not that he doesn't want to stay the night it's just, "No no, totally, I'd love to stay the night again I just have to get the okay-o from my mom, which should be fine but you know how parents are..." Frank trails off because his stomach starts to hurt in an all too familiar way. Fuck. Frank looks up at Gerard again, forcing a smile and looking down worriedly, "Actually... I-I feel kind of sick..."

Gerard almost jumps, protectively from his slouching position making his way to the shorter boy, "Oh, you could have just said so! Are you sure you even want to come over, we can plan it for another time or something? Are you okay? Do you want me to drive you home right now? I'm really good friends with the school nurse I can get you a pass for the day..." Gerard trails off, carding his hand through his long black hair and resting it on Frank's shoulder, making Frank kind of tense up. Frank nods, panicked because with all his childhood health problems, he never had to really worry about... periods. They came occasionally but were never too bad. This, this was definitely bad and he could feel everything around him kind of crash, what if he bled through before Gerard got him home? He stops Gerard from pulling him when they reach the boys bathroom in the east wing of the school, telling him he'll be right out. The small-ish boy can feel his heart beat in his ears, using what he has to his advantage because it's all he has. Toilet paper is going to have to work because hell if he's going to ask the nurse for pads right in front of Gerard.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Gerard cares too much, Frank almost feels bad for dragging him into this. Frank nods, reassuring him and walking confidently to the nurses office, talking his entire way through what he's feeling. Lying of course, because the school knows Frank's "situation", and he doesn't think the nurse would tip-toe around the subject. He gets his pass, as does Gerard, and he watches as Gerard pulls through the rain filled streets tapping on the steering wheel along with the song playing quietly on the radio. Frank sort of fidgets and teases at the strings on his ripped up jeans, glancing at Gerard from time to time to make sure they're both still there. When Gerard pulls up to his own house, Frank gets a little concerned, about to ask why but Gerard speaks before he can, "Just wait here, I'm going to go get my sketchbooks and maybe some movies, I don't just want to leave you feeling sick all on your own, that and I don't have school for the rest of the day either, thanks for getting sick, dude." Frank tries not to laugh because in all honesty, his cramps are horrible and he can't think to panic about Gerard seeing his house, meeting his mom, because he kind of just wants some midol and maybe something warm to eat. By the time Gerard comes back, Frank is slumped into the corner of his seat, still buckled in, and holding to his lower stomach for dear life as though a xenomorph is about to burst from it. He snickers to himself about that image, Gerard sort of sighs in relief to see that Frank is still alive and even if he is in pain, he's still somehow entertaining himself.

"What's so funny?" Gerard questions, backing out of the puddled gravel and starting down the road to Frank's house.

"My stomach hurts real bad but like, what if it's a little baby xenomorph? How cool would that be?!" Frank smiles up from his now sweat covered bangs and waits for Gerard's delayed reaction due to him driving very cautiously to Frank's house.

Gerard looks down for a split second at Frank poking at his stomach and cooing at this supposed alien-baby-monster growing in him, "Dude that's not funny those fuckers kill you! But that would be pretty rad like..." Gerard doesn't finish his thought because they're at Frank's house already, he didn't realize how close they lived to each other. He practically rushes out of the car, making his way to Frank's side and opening the door for him.

"I'm not actually pregnant with an alien baby, fucker I can't walk on my own, and open my own doors." Frank scowls at Gerard, probably sarcastically, he can't tell. Gerard frowns, dramatically at the younger boy as he opens the door again to get Frank inside and settled in. But before Gerard can even get Frank to sit down, Frank darts to the bathroom upstairs, leaving Gerard to introduce himself to Frank's mother. Nervous and sweating slightly he makes his way upstairs after he explains that Frank got sick at school. He sits on the hallway floor waiting for Frank to show him into his room. Other people's houses make him nervous, he doesn't like it. But once Frank is midoled up to no one else's knowledge and changed into last nights pj pants, he makes his way out of the bathroom and leads Gerard to the bedroom at the end of the hall.

The walls are pretty plain, a few posters and a guitar in the corner. Nothing unusual, except maybe the huge stack of ace bandages sitting on the dresser, he ignores it and sits on the edge of the bed. Frank flops down, sending Gerard slightly upward because the weight on the mattress and sighs out, "I hate when my stomach aches, it makes my head spin and the back of my throat gets really dry." Gerard looks at him, doesn't say a word and continues looking around the room, specifically at the guitar but ends up making his way to the desk in the far corner that looks like it's never had someone sit at it.

"s' it okay if I draw for a while?" he looks down at the sketch pad and back to Frank who is now on his stomach groaning into his pillow loudly. An idea. Gerard rolls the desk chair he's sitting in to the bed, shaking Frank until the younger boy get's what he's trying to say and flips around, face smushed up and eyebrows drawn, aggressive. "Yo, can I draw you? You have like, the best features for drawing they're kinda femi--" Frank flips back over and holds his hands over his ears.

"Don't say that." Frank hisses out, muffled against the cotton-y mass under him. Gerard, confused, tries to apologize to the now obviously upset and sick Frank. "Just promise me you won't call me that." Frank's voice a bit louder to be heard over his face in the pillow. Gerard nods, scooting back to the desk, silently drawing what he can see of Frank from here, without a single word being spoken.

Within 2 hours Frank ends up falling asleep, curled up and shivering so Gerard gains the courage to make his way back to the bed, covering him up with the blankets under him, trying not to wake him up because fuck if he wants Frank to be double angry at him. Frank does however wake up, kind of. "I'm cold," it's slurred and whispered but clear enough for Gerard to hear, "you're warm" Frank rolls over, holding his hurting stomach to himself and Gerard understands, getting into the blankets and pulling them up and over the two of them. Settling in and resting his arm around the sick boy before him. Frank actually is cold, really cold, but Gerard likes cold so before he knows it, he's asleep too.

When Frank wakes up, it's because cramps. Fuck he hates cramps. He struggles to get out of Gerard's death grip on his waist but eventually, he get's out. Making his way to the bathroom, turning on the shower, and sitting on the floor, bent over so the scalding hot water is on his lower back. He sits there for what feels like an hour before he gets hungry so he dries off and makes his way downstairs, flipping on the TV before going to the kitchen to find any and every piece of sweet food he can find, fumbling through the downstairs bathroom for the heating pad, and cuddling up with himself on the couch watching Adult Swim. It takes almost two hours for Gerard to wake up and make his way downstairs, pressing into his eyes with his delicate hands, yawning. "What time is it?" Gerard mumbles between yawns, sitting next to Frank and stealing a few chips from the bowl on his lap. Frank almost hesitates to tell him since it is so late, and he probably didn't plan to stay the night but he does anyway. Gerard doesn't seem to care, resting his head on Frank's shoulder and asking if he can get a swig from the other boy's drink. 

After about 2 hours of laughing and eating through the entire house, they fall asleep again, sprawled out on the small couch, wrapped around each other and sharing the blanket, heating pad luckily unplugged it's self from the wall when Frank whipped around to make room for the artist. When they wake up for the second time it's because Frank's mom is laughing at them. Frank practically falls off the couch, blushing and throwing the blanket on Gerard as he makes his way to the bathroom before you know what happens. Gerard talks with Mrs. Iero for a little while, nervously. Mrs. Iero tells him that she called his mom last night and everything was fine, not that he was worried. Waiting for Frank to return so he can ask what the plans are for today, because honestly, Gerard doesn't mind staying all day, hell he doesn't mind staying again tonight, if Frank doesn't mind. Frank comes back, different pj pants on, Gerard doesn't think anything of it, and flops himself down on the couch, laying on his stomach and groaning into the cushions below him.

"So what's the plan for today, are you feeling any better?" Gerard nudges Frank with his elbow and Frank doesn't move. He mumbles into the cushion that he feels worse and Gerard pulls a concerned face. Turning slightly, he puts Frank's legs across his lap and rubs small circles into Frank's middle, it seems to be helping because Frank, the king of being tense and despising physical contact, eases up immediately and welcomes the comforting touch. Of course Gerard can't see it but Frank is most definitely smiling as he rests his head on his hands and relaxes, watching the cartoons on the screen before him and feeling a little too content.

Before he can fall asleep again, he jolts up out of Gerard's grip and runs upstairs to check out his side, making sure there are no bruises or marks. But of course, there is, little tiny clip-shaped marks that are yellowing his skin, he frowns and throws his shirt down before Gerard makes it up into his view and asks what's going on.

"You okay, dude?" Gerard peeks into the doorway.

"Yeah I guess, I just felt some pain in my side and--" Frank shrugs, he feels guilty for some reason. He's really trusting Gerard here, letting him close. And he want's to tell Gerard about the binder and all that but fuck... that's so...

Gerard huffs out a forced laugh and waves Frank down stairs, he smiles and follows, they sit at the couch finishing their not-as-fresh snacks and sodas before deciding that video games would be a little more fun. By late evening, they're both exhausted again and ready for bed, Mrs. Iero still isn't home from work so they snuggle up on the couch again, no cramps, no problem-o. This time anyway. And that's when Frank starts thinking about telling Gerard.

The thing about coming out to anyone, even if you've known that person for years, they can take it really badly. Like all Frank's past friends did. Or of course they can take it really well, like he thinks Gerard will. But he also thought his old friends would too, and the thing with coming out about this, is that it hurts not to. But it also hurts to. So you're stuck in this cycle of wanting to tell someone but never getting it out because what if they leave you, or worse, what if they hurt you. But Frank is certain Gerard would never hurt him, right?

"Hey Gee..." he's just above a whisper, unsure of how this is going to go over, entirely. "Gerard, we're friends, right? Like... good friends?" Frank sits up and closes in on himself in the corner of the couch where their heads were just laying. "I mean... I know we met not even a week ago... but we're really good friends?".

"Yeah, yeah of course." Gerard says, yawning slightly and stretching out, resting himself against the back of the couch, looking over at the obviously anxious boy. "Why?" genuinely concerned with Frank, maybe this is all because the sickness.

"Well, like, I trust you a lot and I have this thing I want to tell you about but I don't know if you'll freak out and stop being my friend because god I really don't want that to happen because I really like you Gerard I really really love being your friend you're really great." Frank has to catch his breath before speaking again because that came out all so fast and Gerard is kind of dumb-struck by all of it and simply nods waiting for the ill boy to talk again. "I need to know I can trust you not to repeat this to anyone at all okay? Promise me?" Frank breathes again, deeply before putting his head in his knees and waiting for the all-needed response from his long haired friend.

"You could tell me you killed someone Frank, and I would never tell another soul. Not in my lifetime. I promise." Gerard looks extremely concerned, brows drawn in tight and looking directly at Frank without any humor in his voice.

Frank laughs out a little, nervously, and breathes deep again, opening his mouth waiting for the words to just spill out, but nothing happens. He looks at his hands and back at Gerard, "I..." he huffs to himself and tries again, looking Gerard directly in the eyes, searching for that courage that he needs before he blurts out, "I'm trans." and closes his eyes so tight, head in hands and trying not to sob out 'I'm sorry''s and similarities to it.

Gerard doesn't say anything, just waits for the silence to clear and for Frank to look at him again. It takes a long while, Gerard thinks, for Frank to finally look up and him but when he does, Gerard smiles. Frank looks shocked, maybe? He's definitely confused by Gerard's reaction. But then, Gerard questions, "Is that why you were so enamored by that drawing I did of that trans guy?" Frank nods, looking down at his socked feet and teasing at the hem of his pj pants. Gerard continues smiling, looking at Frank trying to reassure him that nothing has changed between them but then Frank speaks.

Frank tries to breathe, collect and separate his words, his sentences, because he thought he would have to explain. But there Gerard is, just smiling at him with that tiny-toothed smile.

"Don't be sorry dude, you're my best friend." Gerard and Frank both relax, turning back to the TV and letting silence fill the room.


	3. How Is It That You Know More Than I Do?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Friday came to be, Frank wasn't at school. Gerard, nervous as ever, continuously uses his younger brother's cell to try and get a hold of Frank but no lead thus far has come his way. He can't help wondering if Frank still wants him to come over, what if Frank got really sick because the stomach pain, or what if his breathing problems came back?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So for those wondering what kind of look Frank has in this AU, I'm kind of going for this: https://33.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdxytsUli21rzdwsno1_500.gif except, ya know, pre-t. 
> 
> and for Gerard [as well as Frank since he's in this picture]: http://41.media.tumblr.com/2180dc059df8ac77ec8c451f2d413f3b/tumblr_mi2pfhXiHm1rhaa6zo2_500.jpg
> 
> so, pretty much revenge era, ya feel?

By the time the now inseparable boys got back to school, Frank had gotten through the worst of what him and Gerard now call, 'shark week'. Cute right?! It's kinda of funny, Frank has learned so much within the past two days about himself through Gerard that he would have never discovered without him. Example: Being on testosterone won't make him an angry hulk-like monster nor will it make him magically start disrespecting women. Some of that was sarcasm, Frank doesn't really understand what parts because sarcasm is really confusing but some of that was definitely sarcasm. 

Overly excited to see Ray and Mikey, Frank doesn't stop by his locker to drop off his books, instead he speed-walks to the usual table and waits for everyone to get there. Mikey was obviously not that far behind him, damn his long legs Frank thinks. 

"You feeling any better Frank?" Mikey says casually, as if his brother didn't skip school with the smaller boy for two entire days not once checking in with his brother.

Frank just nods, looking at Mikey from a hand-cradled-face, smile as bright as the moon.

Frank finally felt okay, and okay felt really fucking nice if you asked him. No, the dysphoria wasn't magically gone and no, his binder didn't stop digging into his side because fuck puberty he was growing. But he felt at home when he was around his new friends, and that was more than he could ever ask for. Sitting at the table in the left corner of the fairly large not-exactly-up-to-code cafeteria next to Ray and Gerard made him okay. Talking about cliche batcave goth bands with Mikey made him feel okay. What made him feel the most okay was when Gerard invited him over to the Way's house for a movie night and Gerard gave him a lot of info on how to get started on his physical transition. Gerard was always so cautious, asking if he wanted to physically transition, asking what terms to use for everything, not being too 'safe' and treating him as though he was a girl. Because he's not a girl. 

"I'm assuming you know what T is, I think it'd help a fuck of a lot with the dysphoria..." Gerard looked up through his over grown bangs. Frank could see the lighter almost redish brown roots showing themselves. Frank nodded, he knew a lot of things about physical transition but there wasn't really all that much available to the public on how to actually get on hormones and so on.

Frank hesitated, looking down at his hands in his lap before he shot out, "Yeah but how do I even get on them it seems almost impossible?" his words too loud for his own ears, he shutters back on himself, not looking up.

"I'm not trans but I know for a fact if you get a therapist who is like, studied in this stuff, you can get like some recommendation or something from them and then be sent to a doctor who will prescribe it, I think?", Gerard obviously knew more about all this than he did. 

"Is it like an analyse? What if they say I'm not trans enough or something?", the smaller boy cringes at that thought and finally looks up at Gerard, concerned and confused, needing validation.

Gerard smiles at him, grips his knee and shakes it a bit, kind of trying to shake the worry from his best friends eyes, "I don't think they're going to tell you you're not trans enough dude! Don't get too worked up man you haven't even looked into getting a therapist and setting up a date."

How does Gerard do that, Frank thinks to himself while adjusting himself in his now too-tight-for-human-use binder. How does Gerard know what to say to make his stomach stop aching and his hands stop trembling when he's nervous? He's going to have to look into that later because right now he needs to get out of this binder, which means he needs to get home. Conflicted because he doesn't exactly want to leave, he wants to ask more questions and get closer with Gerard because this is the closest he's let himself get with anyone in a very long time. But he has to... he has to get out of this binder and bask in that, that is scalding hot shower water as soon as possible.

"Gee, I really need to get home," he gestures to the seam of his binder and makes a mushed up face, "this bullshit is ruining my mood." he puts his head on his hands that are resting on his knees, bangs falling in his face. He kind of feels like he wants to cry, he really doesn't want to go home and have to be alone again, all night. He got a little too comfortable with the human furnace, Gerard, sleeping next to him and soothing his back aches. 

"Oh...oh yeah! Totally let me go get my jacket and keys. I'll drive you cause I'm about 90% sure mom's already asleep." He grins too big for his face, displaying his tiny baby-like teeth to the world. The world being just Frank, oh and a poster of some dude from an obscure glam-rock band Frank has never heard of. 

\--------------------------

"Hey gee....?" Frank practically whispers before getting out of Gerard's car, wind blowing his hair into his face, distracting him quite heavily as he tries to get his words out.

"What's up Frankie?" Gerard is still smiling that toothy smile that's literally too big for his face, Frank thinks it's adorable.

He almost asks if Gerard wants to stay the night tonight, be he knows he can't. He's got to stop sleeping in his binder it's not safe and he knows that Gerard knows it's not safe either. And he doesn't want to hurt Gerard but hurting himself which in turn hurts Gerard because Gerard cares too much and holy shit his head is in running laps right now, he's out of breath. "Do you uhh, you wanna come over this weekend? I don't have any plans and my mom has work and I really don't want to be alo--" Gerard nods before he can finish his sentence, closing his eyes and signing in relief. Before he throws the car door shut he smiles back at Gerard, trying to mock the older boy's baby-toothed-smile before turning to get inside. Of course Gerard doesn't even start the car until Frank is inside, safe, he cares so much. 

\--------------------------

When Friday came to be, Frank wasn't at school. Gerard, nervous as ever, continuously uses his younger brother's cell to try and get a hold of Frank but no lead thus far has come his way. He can't help wondering if Frank still wants him to come over, what if Frank got really sick because the stomach pain, or what if his breathing problems came back? Seriously, Gerard, please calm down. When the last bell rings he grabs up Mikey and races home, trying not to speed, not even dropping in to say anything to his mom, and takes off to the Iero's. When he pulls into the driveway, it looks as though Mrs. Iero and Frank had just got home, thank goodness Frank is walking so he must be somewhat okay, healthy maybe? As healthy as Frank can be, at least.

Before even getting out of the car, Gerard pokes his black-dyed-head of the window, "Frank!" squinting his eyes in direct view of the sun. 

"Hey Gee, you wanna come inside? I've got some pretty big news." Gerard can tell Frank is trying to keep a straight face and it's not working, Frank can't hide smiles, it's impossible for something so small to hide so much happiness. Gerard chuckles to himself at the thought, sending a confused expression over Frank's face.

Gerard nods, finding his way out of the car and up the stairs to Frank's house, making his way inside and waving at Mrs. Iero who's putting away groceries. Frank drags Gerard by the wrist up stairs and into his room, shutting the door behind him and flopping onto his unmade bed with a sigh. When he finally sits up his hair is in his face, his hair is almost always in his face it seems.

"So what's up?" Gerard anticipates what big news is to come from the younger boy in front of him. Gerard's standing at the door, leaning on the frame by his shoulder an head, hands in the pockets of his jackets.

"I've got a therapist..." Frank mimics Gerard's infamous all-tooth smile, "a gender therapist." he breathes, waiting for Gerard's response, excited beyond belief that this is finally happening and he wouldn't have even known what the hell a gender therapist was if it weren't for Gerard. He looks down at his hands in his lap, lifting one to card through his thick black hair, biting at his lip when he looks back at the taller boy who is smiling shyly back at him.

"When's the first appointment?" Gerard barely gets out before Frank jumps up, too fast for the human eye to even begin to comprehend, and hugs Gerard tightly. The older boy would hug him back, if he could move his arms of course.


	4. October 12th, at 4pm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Yeah no I mean.... I'm totally... totally excited like, this is going to change everything ya know?" he tries to smile but fails and grips at Gerard's hand, almost painfully, "but that's the thing, it's going to change my entire..." he stutters around what word he wants to use because fucking hell this is hard to explain he is hard to explain someone drop him a line because it's getting kind of hard to breathe and he doesn't know how to explain that he is really excited for his life to start but also so fucking scared because he's been thinking about dying a whole lot. The date just can't come soon enough and what if he ends up rejecting the testosterone..., "What if this is all a mistake? What if...? What if I don't feel better what if I don't look right what i--" Gerard puts his arms around Frank suddenly, warmly, and it takes a few moments for Frank to let go of the stress and just lean in.

It started with a date: October 12th, at 4pm, the hospital down the road from Gerard's house. How convenient, right?!

\---------------------------

When Frank woke up he did his usual thing. Boxers up, packer placed, binder on and shirt baggy, he makes his way down stairs. For the first time since he met the Way brothers and Ray, he doesn't want to go to school. His stomach has been upset, head dizzy, and hands tense and almost similar to a claustrophobic feeling. Once he starts HRT* he's realized that he is going to change, physically. Or aesthetically as Gerard put it, no matter, his face was going to change a bit and his body was definitely going to change, all the fat was going to redistribute. His jaw is going to appear wider, his arms bigger, his appetite, which was already being questioned by Ray, was going to drastically change according to this article Gerard showed him during one of their surprise stay overs. His hair line might even recede if that runs in his family, does that run in his family? Frank cards his shaky hand through his thick dark locks, cherishing them while they're still there. The point is...

...everyone is going to see this happen, they're going to know...

\---------------------------

Frank almost walks out the door before he realizes he doesn't have pants on, good job Iero. His mom notices how shaken up he is when she makes her way out the door beside him, on her way to work. Frank doesn't know why but his family didn't talk a whole lot about these types of situations. Not that this exact situation had happened before, just that whenever he was upset he would get a firm hand on the shoulder or a squeeze of the hand instead of a wished for, "it's going to be okay.". He leans into the gentle, almost fragile hand on his left shoulder before making his way down the walk to his school. Watching his mom's car disappear down the road behind him, only turning around when he senses someone is in front of him, or behind him? Someone is walking and he doesn't want to bump into them, that's the fix of it. 

Why Gerard is walking to his house this early instead of driving, he won't even ask but he's really wondering where Mikey is. Usually where ever Gerard is, Mikey follows, and Ray can't be that far behind. They really are a gang, a gang of nerds that is. Frank chuckles to himself as he smiles up at Gerard, squinting an eye because the sun is shining directly onto his face. He barely notices that Gerard doesn't smile back, simply grabs at Frank's hand and starts walking without a word. Curious. 

 

Frank clears his throat, surprisingly sore, "What's up?" awkward.

"Oh, yeah, sorry I'm a little tired?" Gerard questions himself, stepping over his words before yawning out, "I didn't sleep after you called me and told me about the appointment last night." the taller boy breathes in a weird way, looking everywhere but at Frank before starting up again, "I don't know why I'm nervous, it's excited-nervous but nervous nonetheless!" he practically chirps, finally glancing at Frank, making notice to the fact that they're holding hands as if they've done that a thousand times. (They've done that once, on accident, while they were sleeping and it was weird.)

It clicks, Frank thinks to himself why this boy is so nervous for him, "It's the needle huh?" Frank runs his thumb over the hand holding his, somehow completely calming down Gerard, of course it's the needle. Gerard can't even imagine the terror of getting... that... every other week for the rest of your life. 

"I-I mean...well..." Gerard nervously laughs to himself, looking down at his beat up boots only then looking up to see the school just ahead. Perfect, topic change. "Did you get that report for physics done? Mikey didn't so he's probably going to cite you." he grins at Frank before taking back his now-sweaty hand and making his way through the door to their school. Weird, Frank thinks. 

\---------------------------

When everyone sat down at the usual invite-only/only-the-greasiest-of-hair-can-sit-here table, a new face made it's self known. Frank found out that Mikey and himself had a new physics mate named Pete, and he too loves ridiculously too tight of jeans and melancholic British batcave goth bands like Mikey. Gross, Frank thought as he smiled. Looking in the direction of Gerard, jumping slightly when he meets eyes with the moody boy instead of being able to stare in peace like he usually does. Frank barely heard Gerard speak when he starts because Frank is just now realizing how dimensional and incredible Gerard's eyes are. Oh no...

 

"--so what do you think?" Gerard's voice sounds chipper even if his eyes say death.

Frank zones back in, shaking his head as if trying to release a transparent grip on his reality, "What?" he squints at Gerard, still kind of in a daze.

"Do you want to come over tonight? I don't have really have anything special planned but you're so tense and I.." Gerard leans closer to the nervous heap that is Frank, pushing his hair out of his face so he can quietly speak so only they can hear, "I don't want to assume but I'm going to: Your mom has got to be bugging you a whole lot I mean I've come over a few times now and she is always in your busi--" Frank smiles and just nods yes, of course he wants to go over to the Way's place, he really doesn't need an excuse nor does he want one he just wants to be there right now. 

School, as always, couldn't end soon enough before Frank was pushing himself through the sea of heathens making out in the halls, seriously he kind of gets it but holy shit wait until you get out of the building at the very least. Please. For the children's sake.... 

He made it to Gerard and in no time at all grabbed his hand and dragged the taller boy outside so he could breathe. Fucking claustrophobia, man, literally what the fuck. Clouded thoughts, shaking hands, sweat; Gross, poor Gerard's hand. He looks down at the hand holding his, "Ya know, I'm nervous too." that came out a lot smoother than he originally anticipated it would...

"You're excited though, right? I mean I'm excited so..." Gerard is being so cautious, so understanding, what a gentlemen who is one hundred percent not that at all in most aspects but hell if Frank didn't think he was almost heavenly. 

Frank finally looks up when he realizes he's started walking. I guess Mrs. Way needed the car today cause they're walking in the direction of Gerard's house. "Yeah no I mean.... I'm totally... totally excited like, this is going to change everything ya know?" he tries to smile but fails and grips at Gerard's hand, almost painfully, "but that's the thing, it's going to change my entire..." he stutters around what word he wants to use because fucking hell this is hard to explain he is hard to explain someone drop him a line because it's getting kind of hard to breathe and he doesn't know how to explain that he is really excited for his life to start but also so fucking scared because he's been thinking about dying a whole lot. The date just can't come soon enough and what if he ends up rejecting the testosterone..., "What if this is all a mistake? What if...? What if I don't feel better what if I don't look right what i--" Gerard puts his arms around Frank suddenly, warmly, and it takes a few moments for Frank to let go of the stress and just lean in. 

"Frank, dude, if you want, and you know how much I fucking hate needles and shit, but for you I'll go with. I'll hold your hand or something, get you some of those nasty non-lactose bullshit candies you like and you can come watch movies or listen to gross music and stuff." Frank kind of wants this hug to end he doesn't entirely enjoy hugs but it also kind of sort of maybe felt nice and kind of sort of maybe it helped Gerard too and he can kind of maybe sort of see that all over this nerds face because holy shit is Gerard blushing? Gross. 

 

October 12th, at 4pm, Frank's first testosterone shot. October 12th, at 4pm.

**Author's Note:**

> This is entirely self indulgent, sorry for that.
> 
> follow me on tumblr: http://ftmiero.tumblr.com/


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